How to mess things up without really trying
by Eliza-Lou-Riley
Summary: Modern AU. Collection of Thor and Loki drabbles, set in an apartment in New York. Contains an overprotective brother, Loki learning to play kickball and Thor constantly being a cockblock. The title pretty much explains it all. Contains some crossover characters.
1. Toaster

'Loki, it's not going to incinerate you. Just ask it politely for your bread back and it will comply.'

Loki didn't respond; he was perched on the counter, watching the hellish piece of equipment from across the kitchen the way a cat watches a bird. His green eyes could have burned a hole in the wall.

He had been advised by Thor to place two slices of bread into the unfamiliar object – apparently mortals called this "toast" and it was very appetising – but so far all it had done was swallow the bread up and now it refused to give it back.

'Brother, it's only what these mortals call a "toaster." I have been assured that they are not dangerous.' Thor added.

Loki slowly craned his head over to peer at Thor, 'It attacked me the other day.'

'It was your own fault. You must have upset it.'

'All I did was look inside to see if my toast was ready.'

'You were invading its personal space. That's why it got scared and shot the bread back into your face, leaving you with temporary bruising. Remember - just because they cannot voice their opinions doesn't mean they don't have feelings.'

Loki lowered his eyes, 'I suppose so.'

'Go and apologise. I'm sure it will be reasonable.'

It was a full ten minutes before Loki summoned the courage to creep over to the toaster and give it a gentle poke. No response.

'It's sulking.' He said miserably.

'Be discrete, brother.'

Loki poked it again, hoping for some sort of response, 'I'm sorry if I've caused any sort of offence.'

Silence.

Loki looked at Thor desperately and his elder brother strode over to assist him. 'Leave it to me. I'll talk it round.' He reached the toaster and leaned on the counter casually, 'I apologise on behalf of my brother – he is unfamiliar with your kind and can sometimes come across as brash-' at this, Loki gave him an annoyed nudge, '- so why don't we put our differences aside, let bygones be bygones and you can return his toast to his person?'

He reached out and playfully swatted the machine, the equivalent to a pat on the back; in the process he unknowingly hit a button on the toaster, sending the bread rocketing upwards. The two of them leapt back two or three steps, Loki's scream erupting through the kitchen. _Mjölnir_ immediately went flying into Thor's hold and he brandished it in front of him, ready to defend his brother against the toaster's rage.

Silence. And then a dinging sound was heard.

After he was certain that the object wasn't going to attack, he looked down at Loki, who was currently clinging to his leg, 'You see brother?' He took out a slice of prepared toast and stuck it in Loki's mouth, 'All you need is a little sincerity and things will go your way.'

'Mmph,' Loki mumbled, summoning up the courage to let go of Thor's leg with one hand and remove the wedge of toast from his mouth, 'Those mortals were right. This _does _taste good.'


	2. Yoga

'Loki, what on earth are you doing to yourself? Is this another mortal thing you've picked up?'

Loki blinked at him from an upside down angle, trying to keep a stable handstand without toppling over, 'Apparently it relieves stress, brother. You bend your body into different positions and breathe.'

'Oh yes, I've heard of that. They call it yogurt.'

'Yo_ga_, Thor. And I'm in desperate need of some stress relief, having to live with you every day.'

Thor pulled a face, 'That was unnecessary brother.'

The God of Mischief stuck his tongue out, 'You should try it Thor. It clears the mind.'

'My mind is as clear as water,' Thor scoffed, 'I don't need to do yogurt to relax myself.'

'Yo_ga_, Thor.' Loki came out of his hand stand, arching his back into a bridge position.

Needless to say, that same night when Loki passed Thor's room he heard several annoyed grunts coming from inside, followed by a loud crash and some fierce cursing. When he opened the door to see what all the noise was about, he found his brother face flat on the floor.

'You were wrong Loki,' Thor mumbled into the carpet, 'This yoga isn't relaxing at all.'


	3. Crush

'Thor, you're supposed to be helping me shift these boxes into the apartment, not staring at the ladies across the hall!' Loki grunted, pushing an extra-large box with all the energy he had in his lean body but failing to make it move an inch, 'Get over here and help!'

'Of course brother,' Thor nodded at the simpering women, unintentionally handing Loki a ridiculously heavy box which instantly sent the younger man crashing to the floor, 'You know me. I'm always one to pay attention.'

Loki groaned.

'Rather different from Asgardian females, don't you think?' Thor asked when the girls had passed on, 'A lot more…skin on show.'

'You always did have an eye for the opposite sex,' Loki wriggled out from under the box and stood, wincing as the bones clicked in his back, 'chasing girls all around the palace until the birds started singing.'

'And what about you? Cooped up all day in your study with your spell books, making wine into snakes, turning book pages into birds, worrying the maids, frightening the kittens-'

Loki continued to push on the stubborn box, 'I only…_ugh_…did that because…_gah_…I have no interest in women or anything else of that calibre.'

'Well, we all know that,' Thor unhelpfully slapped him on the back, so he ended up on the floor again, 'you went giddy at the very thought of women. I'm surprised Father was never concerned about you.'

'Father was not concerned because I was not his heir. It didn't matter whether I found a wife or not.'

Thor stepped over him, back to the door of their apartment, 'Well, what I always say is good things come to those who wait.'

'You've never said- Thor! We're supposed to be doing this together!'

'Calm yourself, Loki. I am merely popping to what the mortals call a "refrigerator" to get myself a cool beverage before I return to my hard labour.'

'_Your_ hard labour?' Loki snapped, only to have his brother's disappearing footsteps as his reply, 'Thoooor!'

It became quite evident that Thor would not be returning any time soon so he resumed in his pushing, though his small frame was still unable to move the box so much as a fraction. Loki Laufeyson Odinson – capable of turning wine into snakes, yet unable to move a box.

'Why did the Gods create brothers anyway?' he muttered to himself, finally giving up and flopping down on the floor for the third time that day.

He was aware of footsteps approaching but decided that he didn't really care; his poor tired bones needed a rest.

'You alright buddy?'

'Yes,' Loki mumbled in reply, 'Feel free to just step over me.'

The voice chuckled, 'Never heard that one before. Need a hand up?'

'No, no. I'm fine staying here.'

'On the floor?'

'Mm.'

A snort of laughter followed this, 'If you insist. Though you may want to roll yourself over. God knows who's been walking on that floor.'

Loki mumbled something about the floor understanding his ordeals but he turned over anyway, so he was staring up at the ceiling.

He met a pair of dark eyes and suddenly his face flushed with colour.

The rather flawless stranger peered at him with sudden concern, 'Something wrong?'

Loki found he was unable to make any sort of movement. His face felt like it was on fire and he suddenly wanted to just crawl into a dark corner and never come out.

'No…everything is fine.'

The stranger smiled and he just wanted the floor to swallow him up, 'At least I know what you look like now,' he offered Loki a hand and after several moments of just staring at it, Loki finally accepted, 'Might have been a little awkward otherwise.'

'Yes…awkward…' Loki felt himself wavering and wondered what the hell had come over him. He suddenly couldn't find anything intelligent to say. He just stared, eyes gazing at the very nicely shaped face in front of him.

'Do you need a hand with those?'

Loki realised he was referring to the boxes and foolishly replied, 'I can manage…'

The stranger cocked an eyebrow, 'A little titchy thing like you?'

At this, Loki tensed slightly in anger, 'I'll have you know, I am a god!'

He had hoped this would unnerve the stranger and perhaps even frighten him. It didn't. In fact, he almost doubled over laughing.

'You're funny,' he said, when his laughter had subsided, 'Now let me help you.'

Loki begrudgingly allowed him to move the boxes inside, marvelling at his show of strength with handling the heavy objects. A little embarrassed, he thanked him quickly and hoped he could get inside to spare himself from further humiliation.

'Sam!' a voice barked from across the hall, 'Where have you got to?'

The stranger rolled his eyes, 'Better go. My brother wants me. He's a little overprotective.'

Loki glanced back through the doorway, listening to Thor's mumbled curses as he tried to prise his head out of the refrigerator, 'I know exactly how you feel.'

'I guess I'll see you around then.' Sam flashed him a friendly smile and jogged down the hall to his own apartment.

Loki shut the door, wavering slightly on the spot. He felt strangely giddy and when he felt his chest, his heart was thumping like a mad thing between his ribcage. He feared he was dying.

'_There_ you are,' Thor came in, looking flustered, 'That damned beast tried to eat me!'

'No Thor, you just have a big head, that's all.'

'I see you managed alright without me, brother.' Thor examined the boxes, 'You must be stronger than you look. Loki, are you alright? You've gone all red.'


	4. Kitten

'Stand back, brother! This looks like a creature of indescribable evil!'

Loki rolled his eyes as Thor dove in front of him, brandishing _Mjölnir _in defence, 'Thor, it's just a kitten. It's not going to kill you.'

'Trust me brother, it may look innocent but don't let those cursed eyes fool you. I know its game - it's waiting until we least expect it and then it will destroy us both. But never fear, I shall never succumb to its villainy!'

Loki sighed and put his hands on his knees, peering down at the tiny black creature who was perched on the sidewalk, 'It appears to be lost.'

'All part of its master plan,' Thor muttered, eyes narrowing at the small ball of fluff that had just begun licking its paws, 'I bet its blood is made of venom.'

Loki's hand hovered over the delicate creature - he was unsure of how to handle it without causing damage - and it let out a small squeak, 'I don't think she's dangerous Thor...'

'How can you tell its gender?' Thor peered at his brother suspiciously, 'Is there something you're not telling me Loki? Do you have secret telepathic communication with this beast?'

'Don't be absurd Thor,' Loki stooped down and gently rubbed between the kitten's ears with his fingertips, 'It just looks like a female, that's all.'

'Don't touch it!' Thor's voice boomed, causing the poor animal to tumble over, 'It could attack at any moment!'

Loki sighed, picking the creature up carefully by the scruff off the neck. When the kitten objected to being handled this way, he changed tactics and held it against his front so it was more comfortable.

'Loki, where are you going?' Thor demanded, as Loki began walking up the steps back to their apartment.

'She needs a place to sleep Thor,' the God of Mischief replied over his shoulder, 'She can kip at our place for a few days until someone comes looking for her - _if_ someone comes looking for her.'

'That _thing_ is not entering our household,' Thor said, flailing his arms, 'I will not share a roof with such monstrosity! Loki?_ Loki_! Are you listening to me?!'

Loki continued walking up the stairs, 'You're getting paranoid Thor.'

'_Paranoid_?!' Thor thundered, shaking his fists after his younger brother, 'I am _not_ paranoid!'

He paused when he realised he was shouting - and that there were several startled civilians giving him a concerned look from across the street.


	5. Overprotective brother

'I'm going out!' Loki called down the stairs, adjusting his hair at the same time.

Jane had been right. That substance that mortals called "hairspray" really did keep his locks in shape. He had been experimenting with it all night, constantly tying it up and then letting it loose again, unable to make up his mind on how to style it. He was never usually this insecure about his appearance. He was unsure of what had come over him. But ever since Sam had asked him on a date, he had this sudden urge to make himself more appealing than usual.

He finally decided on keeping his hair loose, though he pinned it back slightly at the sides to keep it out of his eyes. Back in Asgard, while Thor bonded with Odin over one to one combat in the training yard, Loki preferred to spend time with his mother in her chambers learning about hair care. Odin had always tried to discourage the queen from influencing such behaviour, especially when the boy had begun prancing around the kingdom with ribbons in his little dark locks. Frigga was more in the mind set that her son could dress however he wanted and it was no one else's concern.

His hair would have to do. He took a moment to quickly check himself in the mirror - a low back top, the usual black leather leggings and his favourite boots with the small heels - before heading back across the landing and jogging down the stairs to the front door.

'Hold it right there young man.'

Loki froze, hand inches away from the doorknob, 'Damn...'

'Turn around.'

The God of Mischief rolled his eyes and turned to face his elder brother, hands clutching his bag protectively, 'What is it Thor?'

Thor narrowed his eyes, examining Loki's outfit from head to toe, 'There is no way you are going out dressed like _that_, brother.'

Loki glanced down, 'Dressed like what?'

'Where are you going anyway?'

'_Out_.'

'That is not a proper answer Loki.'

Loki sighed, 'I'm going out with a friend.'

'Which friend?'

'Sam from across the hall.'

At this, Thor's eyes narrowed further and suddenly he was inches away from Loki's face, 'A boy?'

'Yes Thor. A boy.'

The smaller man attempted to step around the God of Thunder but was quickly grabbed by the collar and lifted off the ground.

'Thooor, let me go!' Loki snapped, kicking his legs helplessly.

'Loki, I forbid you to see this Sam person whilst wearing such indecent clothing!'

'But Thor-'

'You are _not_ leaving this apartment until you've covered yourself up a little,' Thor released his grip on his collar and pushed him towards the stairs, 'What would mother think if she found out I had allowed you to walk around looking like that? Now get upstairs and change.'

'You can't tell me what to do!' Loki fired back indignantly.

'Oh yes I can. Now up you go, or you won't be going out at all!'

Loki squeaked as Thor gave him a hard swat on the backside to emphasise his point and begrudgingly made his way up the stairs to root through his wardrobe for a second time that evening.

Meanwhile, Thor was plotting on how to deal with this Sam fellow who had taken such a keen interest to his baby brother.


	6. Loki's friends

A knock on the door distracted Thor from the hullabaloo occurring in the room above him and he stepped over the few remaining cardboard boxes to go and answer it. The racket from upstairs had been going on all morning. It seemed Sam had been lending Loki his CD's again.

'LOKI, WILL YOU TURN THAT JUNK DOWN?!' he bellowed up the stairs, only for the volume to be turned up to the point where the pictures were vibrating on the walls. Thor growled and stumbled towards the door, opening it swiftly and emitting a sigh when he recognised the visitors.

'LOKI! YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE!'

The music cut off almost immediately and moments later Loki came jogging down in his favourite green hoodie with the pony on it (something Thor had teased him about for months until he had shut him up with a spell that sealed both lips together.)

'Hey Thrandy, Sherlock.' He nodded at the two on the doorstep, 'You've met my brother haven't you?'

Thor didn't think much of Loki's friends. First of all there was this pompous kid who had somehow managed to work out that Thor was having relationship issues just by the stretch marks on his forehead. He was a tall, weird looking lanky guy with a head of dark curls and scary eyes that he was certain possessed some sort of unimaginable evil.

And as for the other one, the dazzling blonde, all he ever did was text and chew on that godforsaken gum of his. Thor was still in denial that he was even male from the length of his hair and the amount of mascara he put on.

Sherlock stuffed his hands into his pockets, 'Yes. I believe we've met before.'

Thranduil merely blew his gum out into a bubble and resumed in texting.

Thor seized his brother with one meaty arm and pulled him aside, 'Loki, I do not like you hanging around with those two.'

'You don't seem to like any of the people I hang around with.'

'That's because everyone you hang out with is either potentially dangerous or just downright unusual!'

'They're my _friends_ Thor, the first friends I've had for a while. Just give them a chance.'

'Over my dead body!'

'Thor, am I going to have to use my puppy eyes?'

'Don't you dare- alright, alright, _fine_, they can stay!' Thor glanced at the large round, green pupils that now seemed the size of saucers and covered his eyes as if they were burning, 'I surrender, just please don't look at me like that!'

Thranduil halted in his texting, his blue eyes scanning the large man as he fell to a withering heap in the middle of the floor. He leaned against Sherlock and gracefully removed the gum from his mouth.

'Loki's brother is weird.'


	7. Thor and Loki fix a shower

Thor had been sceptical of allowing his mother and father to visit Earth. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy them occasionally dropping in without being invited; it was more the challenge of getting them about without arousing suspicion from his neighbours. Then of course, there was his father's impartial attitude towards modern equipment, which he saw as a form of black magic.

But on their latest visit, Odin had taken quite a fancy to a contraption that human beings called a 'shower,' able to deliver water automatically without the fuss of having to ask a servant to run and fill a bucket. He had quizzed his sons on whether it would be possible to purchase this 'shower' in Asgard and despite Loki and Thor explaining to him that showers required electricity - something Asgard strongly lacked - he insisted they return with him to the palace to install one in his private chambers.

'This is ridiculous,' Thor muttered, as he stood up too quickly and banged his skull against the shower nozzle, 'There's no way this is going to work. We're wasting our time.'

'Thor, will you stop complaining and hurry up?' Loki winced, the weight of his brother upon his spine making his entire body tremble as he struggled to support it, 'Next time I'm standing on _your_ back!'

'You know very well that I have a vaster knowledge of installing showers than you do. Besides, you don't like heights.'

'I can't believe I agreed to do this in the first place,' Loki grumbled, 'Thrandy lent me his playlist, I could be listening to it right now!'

'No you couldn't. Father took your headphones.'

'I'll steal them back!'

'You know that he disapproves of using mortal technology in the palace. Plus he said you'd get a trip over his knee if he caught you with them again.'

Loki flushed at the memory of the threat, 'I hate parents.'

Thor fiddled around until there was a distinct click and then stepped off his younger brother, who emitted a loud sigh in relief as the weight on his bones was finally lifted.

'Right, let's give this a go then.'

Thor turned the button on the shower and to nobody's surprise, nothing happened.

'Well, that's that,' Thor shook his head, 'Do you want to tell father or shall I?'

Loki rolled his eyes, 'Thor, Thor, Thor, you give up too easily.'

He touched the shower nozzle with one hand and it instantly began to spit out water, small droplets which slowly became one giant waterfall. Loki turned and chucked his older brother under the chin to close his gawping mouth.

'And that, my brother, is how you install a shower.'

'Excellent,' Thor clapped the smaller man on the back, almost sending him flying, 'Turn it off and we can go and show father.'

Loki put his hand on the nozzle again but to his surprise, the water only came out faster. He grinned nervously at Thor.

'Whoops…it seems the reversal spell has slipped my mind.'

'_Loki_…'

'Look, calm down. Let's just get out of here and we'll have one of the servants assist us.'

But when they tried to open the shower door, it refused to budge and even Thor's brutal strength was not enough to shift it. It was stuck fast. Loki frowned and put his hands on his hips.

'Well, that's a spot of bother.'

'Terrific,' Thor growled, 'We're trapped in here, getting soaking wet and we are more than likely going to miss the banquet this evening-' his eyes widened and he suddenly gripped Loki's arm, almost crushing it with his grip, 'Brother, I've just thought of something…'

'Thor, you're hurting me!'

'We're trapped in here and the water…'

They both glanced downwards and realised the water was now at their knees. In a rare moment of panic, Loki leapt into his brother's broad arms.

'We're going to drown!'

'Calm down brother-'

'I'll never see Sam again!'

'Well that isn't necessarily a bad thing-'

'Where's Mummy when you need her?!'

'Loki, quiet! I'm trying to think,' Thor released his brother so he sunk beneath the water, 'There has to be a way out of here.'

Loki shot back to the surface like a seal, his black hair stuck to his face, hiding his eyes, 'I can try another spell if you-'

'Not on your life. Your damned magic got us into this pickle in the first place!'

The water continued to rise to the point where the two of them were forced to swim to the top of the cubicle before they did indeed drown.

'Thor?'

'Yes?'

Loki gripped the top of the shower and attempted to get his leg over, 'Do you think we'll be able to climb over?'

'No need brother; in a few minutes we'll be able to float over.'

'Did mother pay this month's water bill?'

'There are no water bills in Asgard!'

'Well that's very silly! You would have thought they would introduce such a system in case of an emergency!'

'I doubt an emergency like this pops up very often, Loki!'

Loki observed the water as it reached the top of the shower and began to spill over onto the floor below, 'Father's going to kill us, isn't he…?'

* * *

'Do you think they're alright in there?' Frigga asked uncertainly as she followed her husband down the palace corridors, 'It's been awfully quiet.'

'Thor knows what he's doing,' Odin said confidently, 'I know he won't let me down.'

They reached the king's private chamber and he swiftly opened the door; as soon as he did, a gallon of water gushed out, flooding the hall and knocking over a few startled servants as they passed by. Loki's spell to free the pair had been successful overall. However it came with several nasty side effects – mainly being that the entire shower exploded and turned the king's chamber into a life size aquarium.

The said pair came sliding out of the door, soaked from head to foot; the God of thunder shook the water from his hair, grinning up at the bemused king and queen while Loki slipped and skidded in the background, blinded by his own hair that now stuck over his eyes.

'As you can see, there have been a few minor technical difficulties,' he said to his parents, 'Return to us in say…six hours or so and we should have it fixed.'


End file.
